Pie Chucker

Get rid of the nightwatchman early & get into ‘em.  That was probably the plan.  South Africa started the day on 38-1, Harris at the crease and the ball just 12 overs old.  A mere 16 overs later and he was back in the hutch - 94-2, new ball now an elderly 28 overs.  “28 overs?  That’s 5.2 dog years,” Peter Moores was heard to mutter.  “What would Raymond Illingworth do?  What would Richard Illingworth do?” he asked no-one in particular before phoning his agent and calculating his payoff for being sacked should the ‘worst’ happen.  But until then; another series to lose.  “When are we due to play New Zealand again?”

After lunch, Jimmy remembered what line and length meant and bowled like someone who does that sort of thing for a living.  He despatched Amla with a spectacular caught and bowled, bringing Kallis to the crease.  Freddie then did for McKenzie and it almost looked promising - 135-4 in reply to 231 all out.  Kallis at the crease.  Hmm we mustn’t let them grind out runs and gradually assume control of the game.  Hmmm.  Kallis at the crease.

20 overs later and Tea at 205-4.  The lead now a mere 26.  6 wickets still left.  Kallis at the crease.

Then it all went mad.  Freddie steamed in.  The crowd - for once the alcohol kicked in whilst something interesting was happening - roared him in.  The Pavillion woke up.  Bouncer, yorker, bouncer, yorker.  Plod along to a ton against that, Kallis you ****.  Alim Dar enjoying it so much he turned down an lbw when Kallis kicked a yorker from dead in front. FREDDIE, FREDDIE and he knocks Kallis’ castle over 226-5.  Is there life in this match yet?  Here comes AB De Villiers; he who claims one bounce, two hands equals a catch in a Test Match.  Another stubborn wicket.  The light is fading; see off FREDDIE, FREDDIE and get back in the dressing room as soon as the Umpires offer the light.  Don’t do anything stupid AB e.g. hooking a pumped up FREDDIE, FREDDIE in the dark. Oh.  247-6. Bad light brings it all to an end. 256-6.  SA 25 ahead, 4 wickets remaining.  But Freddie is back.  Roll on tomorrow.  Test Cricket is back.  Twenty fucking what? Bah, humbug.